


i don't love you (but i always will)

by chemicalpixie



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-06-02 07:29:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6557338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chemicalpixie/pseuds/chemicalpixie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>““am i a good person?”<br/>he thought for a moment. “no,” he said. “no, i don't think so. i don't think anyone is. i don't know if they can be. there are no good people in this world, effie, not anymore.””</p><p>or; effie and haymitch, through the years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i don't love you (but i always will)

**Author's Note:**

> recommended listening : http://8tracks.com/chemicalpixie/i-don-t-have-a-choice-but-i-d-still-choose-you

they had given her twelve because she was dumb and ditsy and blonde. everyone in the capitol looked stupid but no one was actually supposed to be stupid.  
they didn't think it would hurt her when her tributes died the first year, or the second year, or the third or even the fourth. it did.  
by the fifth year, she had stopped caring. she had drowned herself in books of manners and the proper ways to eat and dress and speak. if she couldn't save her tributes, she could at least make them seem respectable. 

//  


it was on her second year that she met haymitch abernathy. he stumbled into the train car drunk, calling her “sweetheart” and “darling”. she recognized him because everyone did. he was the winner of the quarter quell, the boy who used the forcefield to win. she remembered watching it and being amazed at how brave he was, to openly use something the capitol created against them.  
“why didn't you come last year?” she asked.  
“it didn't matter if i came or not, they were going to die anyway. the sooner you realize all the tributes from this district are all doomed the better off you'll be, sweetheart.”  
“then why did you come now?”  
“they made me,” he said, and that was one thing they had in common. neither of them had chosen to be here.  


//  


on her seventh year of picking tributes, she pulled a girl named primrose everdeen. if only she'd moved her hand a little to the left, or the right. at the time, she'd thought it was a blessing, that someone had volunteered. something interesting had finally happened, after seven years of being stuck in district twelve. someone had volunteered. from what she knew, that was practically unheard of. katniss, the new tribute's name was. primrose's older sister.  
katniss was insubordinate, rude and disrespectful. was it any wonder peeta was her favorite? well, favorite as far as tributes went. it didn't matter anyway. they'd both be dead in a matter of weeks.  


//  


somehow, they'd made it. they survived, both of them, by threatening suicide. was it any wonder district twelve didn't win the games often? all of thier victors had defied the capitol to win. but it was okay. for the first time in her life, effie had victors to be proud of.  


//  


she spent the weeks leading up to the victory tour in an excited frenzy. there was so much planning to do, and she had two victors to account for instead of just one, and each of them needed outfits, and speeches, and there was haymitch to think about.  
he had insisted on coming along on the victory tour, because, as he said, “i'm their mentor, and this might be the last time in my life that i get a victor to parade around.” personally, she thought it was because someone needed to keep katniss in line. though how much line he actually kept katniss in, she was unsure, because he never really stopped drinking.  
one night during the victory tour, he found haymitch lying down on the couch in the train.  
“sweetheart,” he called.  
“i'm not a sweetheart,” she replied.  
“'course you're not,” he said. “if you were a sweetheart, you wouldn't kill children for a living.”  
“i don't kill children,” she said carefully.  
“but you choose them. you pick their names out and you read them and you tell them that they're going to die. you're a death sentence.”  
“it's not like you help them any,” she snapped. “you're supposed to be their mentor, and all you teach them is that the games will fuck you up more if you win than if you die.”  
“that's my girl,” he said, smiling.  
“i'm not your girl,” she replied.  
“i know.”  
“you're drunk,” she whispered, moving closer to him almost unconsciously.  
“no,” he said. “i'm more sober than i've ever been.”  
“would you kiss me?” she asked.  
“why?”  
she couldn't voice the reasons. there were so many.  
“because,” she said.  
“is that even a reason?” he murmured.  
“no.”  
“give me one good reason i should kiss you,” he said, smirking.  
“give me one good reason why you shouldn't,” she retorted.  
he grinned. “that's my girl.” he kissed her then, and he tasted of the glimmer of the champagne that they'd served at dinner. she imagined she tasted like her perfume, a mix of lavender and hyacinths and roses. not white roses, like snow's. never white roses.  
“haymitch,” she said softly.  
“what?” he asked, breaking away from her. he was holding her gently, like she was something fragile, a glass doll like the ones she'd had as a child.  
“am i a good person?”  
he thought for a moment. “no,” he said. “no, i don't think so. i don't think anyone is. i don't know if they can be. there are no good people in this world, effie, not anymore.”  
“oh.” she said, less of a word and more of a small sigh.  
“do you think i'm a good person?” he asked.  
“not really?” she said, glancing downward. “i mean, you drink and you killed that girl, even if you had to, and - ”  
“see?” he smiled. “there you go.”  
“will you hold me?” she asked.  
“isn't that what i'm doing?” he asked, smirking.  
“if i go to sleep, will you hold me?” she asked softly.  
“of course,” he said in a tone that implied there was no other option.  


//  


in the morning, she started awake when peeta, the second of her victors, ventured into the living room, his eyes bleary with sleep.  
“effie,” he said, surprised. “you're up early.”  
“no, i, um - ” she stammered. “i actually fell asleep here and - ”  
peeta knew she was lying. she had never been a convincing liar, even when she was a little girl. he smiled knowingly instead, glancing at haymitch, still sprawled asleep on the couch.  
“can you not mention this?” effie asked softly, glancing down. if they knew about her and haymitch, they might hurt him to get to her. she wouldn't let that happen. he'd been hurt enough without being hurt for her.  
“yeah, i - ” peeta murmured. “i won't mention it.”  


//  


the last night of all the victory tours was the presidential mansion. it was the easiest event to plan, because there were no speeches for katniss and peeta to mess up. she introduced them and then wandered off, talking idly with her capitol friends. they were so shallow, she mused to herself. and she was off getting herself another drink when she saw haymitch sitting in the corner of the party, a beer in his hand the his face dark. she went over to him.  
“hey,” she said, gently placing her hand on his shoulder.  
“hey yourself,” he replied, taking another swig of beer. “nice night for a party.”  
“it is, though,” she sighed idly as he put his hand on top of hers gently. effie glanced up and saw her capitol friends tittering among themselves. how dare she fraternize with a drunken bastard of a victor? if it had been an attractive, desirable victor, it would be okay. but haymitch was the farthest thing there was from that.  
“haymitch,” she whispered. “we can't do this. not here. not now.”  
“can't do what?” he whispered back angrily, standing up. “this?” he asked, pulling her in closer and kissing her deeply. she was so surprised she hardly thought to protest. she shoved him off after a long moment and he stumbled back.  
“yes, that!” she whispered back. “you bastard,” she said more loudly, and without much energy, for the sake of her friends, who were still watching. she stormed away from him back towards them, where they giggled with their manicured hands over their mouths.  
“what was that?” they asked.  
“nothing,” she lied sullenly. “he's a drunken bastard, is all.” she hated lying. it left a sour taste in her mouth every time. but she had to. she didn't have any other choice.  


//  


“what the hell was that, effie?” haymitch demanded as they're boarding the train back. katniss was still in earshot, so effie chose her reply carefully.  
“i could ask you the same question,” she responded, and then, thankfully, katniss and peeta left for their respective bedrooms. “you know we can't do that, haymitch. don't you understand?” she asked, tears streaming down her cheeks. “they will do everything they can to rip happiness from us. if you keep that up in public there will be no us, because you or i will be dead! you aren't a favorite, they could kill you in an instant and say you drank yourself to death and no one would care.” she scrubbed the hot tears from her cheeks with her sleeve.  
“god, effie,” haymitch said. “i can't lose you. you're all i have left.”  
“i'm so sorry,” she sobbed.  
“don't cry,” he replied, moving closer to her and cradling her face in his hands. “it'll be alright.”  


//  


after the victory tour, haymitch went home. she went to district twelve for every little thing, taking her chances to see him, to visit him, to hold him at night as he sobbed with the nightmares and withdrawal and the fact that she wasn't always there.  
katniss, always the troublemaker of her two victors, complained. “i just don't see why you can't just call us,” she complained.  
“i don't mind it,” peeta replied. “it just means that she cares.” he smiled again, softly, knowingly, and she smiled gratefully back. haymitch leaned over and squeezed her knee, ever so gently. and for a while, she could forget that everything she'd ever known lay at the capitol and that all the people she'd ever loved lay here.  


//  


she watched the announcement for the quarter quell eagerly, acutely aware that whichever children she picked that year would be put through additional horror.  
“and this year, in honor of the seventy-fifth quarter quell, the tributes will be chosen from the remaining pool of victors.” snow said, calmly, almost smiling, and it took her a moment for the words to sink in, for the meaning to hit.  
when it did, she screamed, falling to the ground sobbing. haymitch would be in the arena again, with experienced tributes who knew what they were doing. he'd be going through withdrawal, he'd be weak, he'd be in danger, he'd die.  
she'd thought that they were safe. she should've known better.  


//  


her heels were the only sound she heard as she walked onstage. she knew that every person out there, minus three, was thanking everything that they had that they weren't in those big glass globes that held the names. she was incredibly, painfully aware of how empty they were.  
“ladies first,” she announced cheerfully, a fake smile plastered on her face. “the female tribute this year from district twelve will be - ” she paused, for effect, before pulling the lone slip out of the globe.  
“katniss everdeen.” kantniss walked slowly up to the platform, her face drawn and hard.  
“and the male tribute this year from district twelve will be - ” she stopped, to make a show of shuffling the two names around, praying to something, anything, that peeta's name was the name written on that slip and that haymitch didn't volunteer to take his place, even though they all knew peeta wouldn't survive another games. he was fragile enough as it was. she inhaled softly, carefully, and unfolded the slip. “haymitch abernanthy,” she said, reading from the paper slip, and her voice broke. from the audience, she heard peeta's shout.  
“i volunteer!” he shouted, and effie let out a breath that she didn't know she'd been holding.  


//  


on the train to the capitol, she ran towards him. “oh thank god,” she sobbed into his shoulder.  
“do you know how fucking stupid that kid is?” haymitch growled. “i should be going down into that arena, i should have taken his place. the suicide trick won't work again.”  
“i know, i know,” she replied. “but i couldn't watch you in that arena. i couldn't. it would kill you. they would kill you.”  
“they killed me the day my name was pulled for the reaping,” he said.  
“i know,” she said. “i know.”  
“i'm a shitty mentor. i won't be able to help peeta. katniss will hold her own, but peeta - ” he stopped. glanced at her. met her eyes.  
“he's going to die,” she whispered.  
“i know,” he said.  


//  


on the night of the tribute parade, effie was lying at home on the couch when she learned. katniss stormed in first, only stopping to glance at effie idly and remark, “i have seen johanna mason's boobs.”  
“well, congratulations,” effie smiled brightly.  
“no, not like that,” katniss snapped. “she stripped for us in the elevator on the way back up here.”  
“really?” effie asked, a little less brightly.  
“yes really,” katniss replied angrily, storming off to her room. peeta came in next, made a cup of tea and retreated to his room with the excuse of “big day tomorrow”.  
haymitch came in last, smirking to himself.  
“effie,” he said, almost happily.  
“how was johanna mason?” she asked softly.  
“woah, woah,” he replied, holding his hands out. “what have you heard? because all that happened was she stripped for us, and i didn't even ask her to.”  
“katniss told me,” effie replied, looking at haymitch as he sat down and slid his arm around her.  
“oh, well,” he shrugged. “that explains everything.”  
“was she prettier than me?” effie asked. she knew it was the most shallow thing in the world to ask, but she couldn't help the creeping feeling of inadequacy lingering in her mind.  
“course not,” haymitch said dismissively. “besides, i heard she's gay.”  
effie laughed, tilting her head up so her lips met with his.  
“no one could ever compare to you,” he murmured, when they broke apart.  
“good,” she whispered, her mouth finding his again. “because how else am i supposed to keep you in line?”  
“this does work pretty well,” haymitch replied, and she laughed, and so did he, and she could feel his laughter in her chest, and even though peeta was most certainly going to die, it all felt okay.  


//  


they walked into the room where katniss and peeta are waiting with their hands close. almost touching, almost holding onto each other for support. “the games are still on.” haymitch announces solemnly.  
“i have presents for the boys,” Effie announced, holding out two boxes and distributing them to haymitch and peeta.  
“why?” katniss asked.  
“well, we are a team!” she announced brightly. “and katniss has her pin and I have my hair and - and we have to match,” she explained.  
“thanks, effie,” peeta said, already wearing his necklace. he leaned in for a hug and effie obliged. katniss was talking to haymitch and when they finally left, effie grabbed onto haymitch's hand and wouldn't let go.  


//  


“effie,” he said, one night during the games. there were separate rooms, but hers went empty almost all of the time. it never felt like home, and it almost never had. but now it was different. she had haymitch.  
“yes?” she asked, snuggling closer to him. it's july, but everything was cold. it was always cold.  
“there's a way that peeta and katniss could both make it,” he whispered.  
“what is it?”  
“it's thirteen,” he said softly. “it wasn't destroyed. they want to rebel against snow, and they want the mockingjay. beetee, he's gonna break the arena, and they won't be ready and thirteen will take the victors, they'll take katniss and johanna and peeta and finnick and they'll take me too. and you, if you want.”  
“i don't know,” she said, because it's the only thing that she could say. “can i leave it all behind?”  
“you won't be,” he replied. “it'll be me and you and peeta and katniss, same as it's always been.” it hasn't always been this way, and they both know it, but it's nice to pretend.  
“our own fucked up little family,” she whispered, stroking his face.  
“yeah,” he murmured. “our own fucked up little family.”  
“okay,” she said softly. “i'll come.”  


//  


thirteen was different from everything. different from twelve, different from the capitol. everything was plain, and when she arrived, haymitch was whisked away and her wig and her clothes were taken and she was left with nothing. all she ever had in the capitol was her beauty, and now that that had been taken, she was nothing. haymitch barely had time to see her anymore and everything was mockingjay this, mockingjay that.  
they weren't able to save peeta and he was in the hands of the capitol now, being tortured. she wondered if she'd be in the same position if she'd stayed.  
even so, she still can't remember why she came.  


//  


annie and finnick's wedding was the first time that she'd seen him in months. by the time he arrived, she'd drunk several glasses of the champagne they'd opened for the special occasion. he smiled at her, embraced her and then held her by the shoulders gently.  
“effie,” he said. “are you drunk?”  
“i think so,” she replied.  
“how much have you had?” he asked.  
“a few glasses, i think. i'm not really sure.”  
he chuckled under his breath. “lightweight.”  
for some reason, she found that incredibly amusing, and she began to giggle incessantly.  
“yeah, really funny,” he said softly. “let's get you back to your bunk.” he carried her, bridal-style, back to her bunk.  
after he lay her down, he began to walk away.  
“stay with me,” she called. he turned.  
“okay.”  
tracing shapes on the side of her face with his thumb, he apologized. “i'm so sorry effie. i've been shitty lately, i haven't had much time. i know this was hard on you. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry.”  
“it's okay,” she said, even though it wasn't, because what else could she say?  
“it will all be over soon,” he promised. “don't worry.” she just looked at him, and then he said, “effie, if we both make it out of this, we'll go home, and i swear to god, we'll get married.” she doesn't tell him that if he dies, she will kill herself, because what else is here for her? she left her life - granted, her empty life - for him. why would she want to live in this world without him, where she's nothing?  
tears began to make their way down her face. “sweetheart, just go to sleep,” he begged her.  
“will you be here when i wake up?” she asked softly.  
“yes,” he said. but when she opened her eyes in the morning, he wasn't.  


//  


after they won, effie was flown into the capitol. except it wasn't the capitol anymore, because everything was different now. there were meetings and she helped katniss and haymitch prepare, and there was only an empty silence between her and haymitch now. after coin is killed, it was decided that katniss and haymitch will be going home to district twelve. she had her makeup back, and she still wanted to go with them, but they said that she was needed here.  
she went to say goodbye.  
“don't be a stranger, effie,” he told her, and she kissed him lightly, when katniss wasn't paying attention. “goodbye,” he whispered, and she couldn't say anything because she was afraid she'll burst into tears. and then he was walking away and she just stood there watching the only man she's ever loved walk away, and tears trickled down her cheeks. she was trying her hardest to keep her composure, but it felt like her heart was shattering, so the tears fell regardless.  


//  


when peeta went back, so did she. no one met them at the train, and she and peeta walked to the victor's village alone. when haymitch realized she was there, he dropped the groceries he was holding and ran towards her, spinning her around. “effie, i'm so sorry. i'm so fucking sorry, everything got caught up in the war and i'm so goddamned sorry for everything.”  
“i know,” she said. “i know.”  
“sweetheart, let's get married,” he said.  
“do you mean it this time?” she asked.  
“i mean it.” she laughs giddily, clapping her hands together.  
“haymitch, let's get married!”  


//  


they didn't have children. haymitch didn't want them and effie couldn't carry them. she'd tried before. regardless, they were happy. katniss and peeta's children called them aunt effie and uncle haymitch, and they babysat and gave them gifts and finally, for once in thier lives, they were safe. his nightmares still came, and she held him as he sobbed and they got geese, angry geese that nipped at her ankles when they were hungry, but overall, everything was well in the world. it was finally all okay.


End file.
